Princesses don't give blow jobs
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
