Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
