I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
