He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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