you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
