If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
