my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
