Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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