Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
