Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
