I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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