I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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