you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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