just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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