Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
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Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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