Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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