i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
