there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
