saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
