Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
