I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
