Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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