it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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