just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
