yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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