just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
