Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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