I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
