Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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