But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
