This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
