tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
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Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
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Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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