ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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