last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
