Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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