i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
