Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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