got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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