no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
