Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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