Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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