I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
