My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
