she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
