Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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