New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
