is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
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I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
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That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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