so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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