Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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