I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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