OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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