my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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