Jerry, you need to find god
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
