my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
