hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
