my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
