Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
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I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
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official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns