ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have fence marks all over my body
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
