I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
