Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
