i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
