my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
high people should be assigned attendants
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
